I’ve been starting to play the guitar for a while…I don’t know the notes yet so I’ve just been playing simple things just by listening. But my fingers are starting to get blisters and they make me feel somewhat accomplished ㅎㅎㅎㅎㅎ

I’m home alone with my sister all day…I feel like I’m wasting my spring break.

And in terms of music, I’m in this shitty phase where I can’t find anything that fits my mood.

I swear I have SAD.

Muse.

They started with Uprising…then MAP OF THE PROBLEMATIQUE…then..Supermassive Black Hole? and shit……they also played Starlight, Knights of Cydonia, New Born, Resistance, United States of Eurasia, MK Ultra, Unnatural Selection, Butterflies and Hurricanes, Time Is Running Out, Plug In Baby, and I really hope I didn’t miss any…and their little transitions were, again, epic.

So much … energy. The sounds …. k I’m still not over it so 말이잘안나온다…ㅅㅂ

아무튼 it was epic.

For the first song, Uprising, I was just staring in awe…with my mouth open…ㅋㅋㅋㅋ

Anyway, I’m getting really restless because I really want to get out which I can’t fucking a.

Maybe I’ll edit this later so that there is actually some CONTENT in it.

So I’m like…fucking bored.

Hatred.

It’s what I’ve been dealing with for the past nine years of my life. It was through hate that I first realized that I had the ability to have strong emotions, to be passionate about something. I hate (again, hate) the fact that it had to be through hatred that I realized this, rather than love, or some other emotion. But even with hate, I have so much trouble making it last. It’s like what we learned in psychology, the term “passionate love,” the kind of “love” that is ephemeral (there’s more to it of course). Passionate hatred is ephemeral, too. And the only reason it has lasted this long is that every time it died, it was refueled, again, and again, and again. But even as it is refueled over and over again, I’ve become exhausted. I became exhausted more than three years ago, but even after all this refueling of hatred, I am once again, tired. Tired, and struggling to keep it going. But I’ve learned that each time I let it die, my weaknesses were taken advantage of while her powers were manipulated so that I could be destroyed in some way. Which is why I’m trying so damn hard to keep it going. Keep the hatred going. It’s become a self-defense mechanism that I’m desperate to keep using. What makes it all harder is that no one can understand. My fucking common app essay, or at least the original one, was probably the most honest thing I’ve ever written. Too honest, perhaps.

It’s so hard to hate. It’s against my own nature. The one that keeps refueling it lives on hate. It’s how she rolls. And I simply don’t understand how she does it. How can you live life with such a burden upon you all the time? I think the only plausible explanation is that it IS a mental disease. Her own kind of disease. And for that, I pity her. And as much I would like to rise above and forget about all she’s done, I know that doing so is no longer an option. Forgiveness is no longer an option. If I were to not take action in 2010, then I’ll have sinned upon myself. Because that would mean that I had remained passive and allowed her to hurt me and sabotage me as I have for the past nine years. And that is wrong.

The fact that I’ve gotten hurt so many times, I blame it on myself. I’ve come to believe that it is mostly because I am always so unaware. I can never seem to infer things from people’s words and actions. I am never a step ahead of the game. Instead, I’m always a step behind. I take everything literally. I take it for granted that people will tell things to my face and that they will always honest towards me. All of which is entirely untrue.

I feel like I’ve let it all happen to me. I feel like I’ve constantly made myself so vulnerable to everyone. I made it so damn easy for them to hurt me. Not just her, but every other person that’s done shit to me. I feel like it’s all my fault.

So in 2010, my goal is to be more defensive. To be more alert and aware. To infer, but not assume, things from people’s words and actions, the way they express themselves.

This year, my goal is to stop getting used, hurt, and destroyed by myself and other people. Never getting hurt is impossible, but it’s reasonable and realistic that I try and get ahead so that I get hurt less.

So,

happy new years.

May 2010 be the year in which all your dreams come true.

Okay so since Daniel sent me their songs in the spring? or something I’ve been listening to them QUITE a bit. I listened to them a lot while working out in the summer (LOL fail). …yes, very simple. 

I can’t explain much more than that right now because I’m just sitting and listening and enjoying their music and that’s pretty much all there is to it right now. 

A couple of my favorites:

enough said.

I hope y’all have yourselves a merry little Christmas. Oh, and please, let it snow.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on, our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay,
From now on, our troubles will be miles away

Here were are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.

Through the years we all will be together
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now

Anyway, back to the song. Since I’m not a lyrics person, I can listen to one song for a whole month and still not know the lyrics. On top of that, I probably wouldn’t understand them either. Because everyone talks about how all these lyrics are poetic and whatnot but I really don’t understand poetry for shit. What the fuck are those people on drugs saying anyway? I mean, yeah, those poetic lyrics often sound nice and all that but I really have no fucking idea what they’re saying (sorry Turner, I still love you and try to understand your lyrics by reading 547825094378520 reviews…that’s how I found out that you were talking about your dick for “My Propeller”…Alexa Chung 이랑 sex 잘해라) So yeah, personally I like simple, easy lyrics. Nothing brilliant. Just a few words about whatever the fuck they’re talking about.

And speaking of simplicity, I also like simple melodies, simple bass lines, simple riffs (right now at least…this changes all the time). Simple, simple, simple. I tend to think that less is more. The more concise you are, the stronger of an effect you have with your words. The fewer the good memories, the more you cherish each one you had. etcetc…you get the point.

And this is all ironic right now because I’m being anything but concise and simple and I’m not actually getting to the point by saying the title or artist.

But that was the point.

The Way I Am – Ingrid Michaelson

If you were falling, then I would catch you
You need a light, I’d find a match

Cuz I love the way you say good morning
And you take me the way I am

If you are chilly, here take my sweater
Your head is aching; I’ll make it better

Cuz I love the way you call me baby
And you take me the way I am

I’d buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair
Sew on patches to all you tear

Cuz I love you more than I could ever promise
And you take me the way I am
You take me the way I am
You take me the way I am

MV is pretty wtf though.